Every Widow Needs a Personal Board of Directors
- 1 day ago
- 7 min read
When your husband dies, you don't just lose the person you love. You lose the person you asked.
What do you think about this? Who should we call? Does that estimate sound right? What should we do about the kids? Can you look at this?
Suddenly, every decision belongs to you.
One of the things I learned after my husband, Eric Woolery, died is that support for widows needs to include more than people who love us. She needs people she trusts to help her navigate all the things her husband used to help her think through.
Over nearly seven years of widowhood, I've come to think of those people as my Personal Board of Directors.
They don't make my decisions. They help me make better ones.
Why Is Making Decisions So Hard After Your Husband Dies?
When Eric died, I had lived in Stilwell, Kansas, for exactly eight months. Before moving to the Kansas City area, the only people I knew were my Uncle Larry and Aunt Chu, who lived about 45 minutes away.
They became our safety net. They were so good to my kids and me. They came every Sunday. They showed up for holidays and hard days and all the strange new milestones that come during that first year of widowhood.
Aunt Chu still says, “We got you through your firsts.” They did.
And then there was my best friend, Tayne, who supported me better than I imagine even a twin sister could have. She listened. She checked on me. She was there whenever I needed her, via phone.
I had three extraordinary people loving me through the worst time of my life, and it still wasn't enough. Not because they weren't doing enough, but because no three people could possibly meet every need I suddenly had.
I didn't want to call Uncle Larry and Aunt Chu every time something happened. They had their own lives, and they were already doing so much for us. I didn't want to exhaust my best friend with every problem, worry and decision either. And she lives in Phoenix. There were some things she simply couldn't fix over the phone.
I needed more people.
I just didn't know it yet.
How Do You Ask for Help After Your Husband Dies?
Not long after Eric died, it started raining, and then water started coming into my son's room.
I had no idea what to do.
Uncle Larry and Aunt Chu had just been at our house the day before. My best friend certainly couldn't do anything about a leaking roof from Phoenix.
Then I remembered something. A neighbor Eric knew a little had come over shortly after Eric died and told me, “I'm a contractor. If I can ever fix anything, you let me know.”
I thanked him, but actually calling him was different.
I was afraid. I didn't know him very well. I didn't know if he really meant it. I didn't want to impose.
It was my first big ask.
Finally, I thought, What do I have to lose? I took a deep breath and sent the text. He was at my house in less than an hour.
He climbed onto the roof, secured a tarp and told me it would hold until I decided what I wanted to do about the leak. And he was kind. Not because I was a widow and he felt sorry for me. He was kind because that's the kind of person he is.
Looking back, I think that was the day I elected the first member of my Personal Board of Directors.
What Is a Personal Board of Directors for a Widow?
A Personal Board of Directors is simply a circle of trusted people you can turn to for wisdom, expertise or another perspective as you navigate life after your husband's death.
Nobody on your board has to replace your husband. In fact, nobody can.
Instead, different people can have different seats at your table.
My neighbor knew houses and repairs. Over time, my board grew. I have a financial advisor I trust when I need to make decisions about money. I have a business partner whose advice I value. As an added bonus, he used to own a hair salon, so he gives me hair advice too.
Your board might look completely different.
You may have a friend who understands insurance, a relative who knows cars, someone you trust with financial questions, a person who understands your kids, or simply a wise friend who listens well when you need to think something through.
The goal isn't to find one person who can fill the enormous space your husband left behind.
It's to realize you don't have to know everything yourself.
Accepting Help Doesn't Mean You Will Always Be the One Who Needs It
There was another moment with my contractor friend that changed the way I thought about asking for help.
One day, he called me in a panic. He was stuck on a job site and couldn't get away to pick up his son. Could I do it?
Of course I could.
I went and picked up his son, and I remember how wonderful it felt. Somewhere along the way, we had stopped being a contractor helping the widow down the street.
We were friends.
He could call me when he needed help too. It felt wonderful to be on equal footing. Receiving someone's kindness doesn't mean you will always be the person in need. Relationships grow. Circumstances change. There will be days when someone carries you and days when you get to carry them.
Some people's love language really is service. They like helping. They know how to fix things, solve problems, make phone calls, research answers or simply show up.
Let them.
And then, when life gives you the opportunity, you may get to show up for them too.
Who Should a Widow Include in Her Support System?
Widowhood taught me to start watching for people rather than assuming I had to figure everything out myself. I also noticed people who I would have thought would be helpful but weren't.
Who has been kind? Who has offered to help? Who actually follows through? Who knows something you don't? Who listens without trying to take over? Who leaves you feeling more capable rather than less?
Those people may belong on your Personal Board of Directors.
You don't need a large group, and you certainly don't need to announce that you're forming a board. Start with the people already around you.
The next time you're facing a decision and think someone might have helpful insight, you could simply send a text:
“I was wondering if you had a few minutes to chat sometime this week. I have to make a decision about ___, and I'd really value your input.”
Then pay attention.
Are they receptive? Do they listen? Do they ask good questions? Is their advice actually helpful? Most importantly, do they respect the fact that the final decision belongs to you?
If so, you may have found a new board member.
Eventually, you can even tell them how much their advice has meant to you and ask if they'd mind being someone you occasionally turn to.
How Do You Know Whose Advice to Trust After Your Husband Dies?
There is one important rule for my Personal Board of Directors:
It's my board. They advise me. They don't run my life.
Good advice doesn't take the decision away from you. It gives you information, wisdom or perspective that helps you feel more confident making it.
Sometimes your board members won't agree. That's okay too.
You listen. You gather information. You pray. And then you decide.
Part of rebuilding after widowhood is learning to trust yourself as the person who gets the final vote.
Remember to Build Relationships, Not Just a List of Helpers
The people on your Personal Board of Directors aren't resources to use. They're people.
Appreciate them but not transactionally. You don't owe someone a payment every time they show you kindness. But gratitude matters.
Send the note. Buy the coffee. Bake the cookies. Remember the birthday. Tell them what their presence has meant to you.
Let people know that the way they have shown up in your life matters.
Some of these relationships may remain mostly practical. Others may grow into friendships you never expected.
My first board member started as a neighbor I was afraid to text about a leaking roof. He became a friend who helped me countless times—and eventually someone who trusted me enough to call when he needed help too.
That's community.
You Don't Have to Figure Out Widowhood Alone
I wish Eric were still here to make decisions with me. I always will.
But I've learned that losing my husband didn't mean I had to figure out the rest of my life completely alone.
I could build new relationships. I could ask for help. I could receive help. And I could surround myself with people who had wisdom in the places where I needed it.
My first board member started with a leaking roof, a text I was afraid to send and a man who showed up with a tarp.
Your support system may start just as simply.
Look around. Someone may have already offered you a seat at their table without you realizing they're exactly the person you need at yours.
If you're facing a hard decision right now, I've created a free worksheet to help you slow down, sort through what you're considering and decide whose wisdom might help.
About Lisa Woolery
Lisa Woolery is the founder of The Widow's Comeback, author of The Widow's Comeback and a widowhood advocate and community builder. After the death of her husband, Eric Woolery, Lisa began writing about grief, widowhood and rebuilding life after loss. Through The Widow's Comeback, her books, practical resources and online community, she helps widows navigate grief while discovering that their lives are not over.
Visit The Widow's Comeback for more encouragement and practical resources for life after the death of your husband.
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